Content warning: I talk about race inequality and social discrimination in this post.
What does self-care mean to you?
I had never explicitly thought of self-care as much more than looking after yourself until I stumbled across the idea that self-care can be an act of social justice.
It was like someone had finally put into words what I was thinking and feeling but couldn't articulate. With this new awareness, the floodgates opened and the missing, disconnected pieces floating around my mind began to take form.
This quote from Audre Lorde sums it up beautifully:
“I had to examine, in my dreams as well as in my immune-function tests, the devastating effects of overextension. Overextending myself is not stretching myself. I had to accept how difficult it is to monitor the difference. Necessary for me as cutting down on sugar. Crucial. Physically. Psychically. Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.” -
Audre Lorde, 1988, A Burst of Light
A huge ah-ha for me.
I'm seeing so many people burning out not just physically but emotionally, mentally, spiritually you name it.
I can remember when burning out was considered fashionable, a badge of honour. While that’s not so much the case now so many people are still stuck in a pattern of repeat burnout.
The Burnout Problem
Why are so many reaching this breaking point?
Why are so many developing the kind of chronic health conditions which see their body turning against them?
There are deeper-rooted issues here that I was oblivious to when I burnt out as a teacher. And even though I have left the profession, I am well aware of the pull to move back into ways of being that create and sustain burnout. Simply leaving those toxic environments isn’t enough when we carry those ways of being along with us. For me, it has become an everyday act of self-love to continually fight against this pull so that burnout doesn’t become a repeat pattern.
But this pattern doesn’t just exist in teaching but across the board and I have tried in the various communities I have been a part of, from the teaching community to the faith communities and even now within the deconstruction/deconditioning space to shed light on these deeper aspects but it’s often met with resistance.
I get it.
I probably would have thought the same thing and acted the same way if it wasn’t for my own burnout/chronic illness experience and the enlightenment that came from it.
As a teacher, I burnt out because I felt like I had to keep going, if I didn't I wasn't pulling my weight.
I felt like I had to prove my worth and value.
Looking back that seems pretty ridiculous.
I believed that I needed to prove my worth, prove my value and the exchange for this, the evidence of this was self-sacrifice and martyrdom.
Like I was some resource, an object whose only value lay in how much and how hard I could work!
But this was what I believed and I believed this because in the society I grew up and lived in, working hard and self-sacrifice is simply the norm.
Human beings are resources, capital that can and should be used.
This is the capitalist/patriarchal way of thinking.
Becoming Aware
I didn't realise it then but at the crossroads of my first awakening, two paths lay before me and the choice I would make would change everything.
I could:
Choose to allow myself to be used and drained until there was nothing left to give.
Or choose my highest good and well-being.
You would think that it would have been an easy choice, but honestly, it wasn't. I was racked with guilt and shame.
I judged myself as weak negatively labelling myself with the latest en vogue word being thrown around in teaching - resilience, and obviously, I wasn't resilient enough.
I should be able to and should have been able to bounce back no matter how difficult, draining, tiring or toxic the environment. I should have been able to pick myself up and keep going after all, I was pivotal to the education and future of nearly 400 students!!!
How dare I choose myself? Yelled the voice of accusation.
How dare I not choose the many over myself?
How dare I put myself first?
But lying deep beyond the conditioning of pushing through for the greater good, something inside (actually at that time, no laughing, I believed it was the voice of God) presented me with an ultimatum.
Them or Me?
Them being continuing as I was and Me was learning to value, love, honour and care for and choose myself, allowing my well-being to come first beyond everything and anything else.
Maybe hearing what I thought was the Voice of God, was the way my subconscious mind knew I needed to hear and believe to finally allow myself to let go of the shoulda, musts and status quo of lifelong conditioning.
It worked.
If it wasn't for that ultimatum, I might have chosen to keep on as the phrase goes “pushing the pencil” but it gave me the way out I sorely needed.
That was a sacred moment for which I remain continually grateful. Whether it was God or my Divine inner self asking and guiding me towards emancipation, it was my first step into freedom and my journey onto radical (true) self-care.
So I very bravely handed in my resignation and started learning how to care for myself but maybe more importantly start doing the deep inner healing work that has begun a pivotal part of my life.
Self-care and Social Justice
What no one tells you is that when you choose yourself, when you choose your highest good and well-being, it's not simply about you choosing you, it's about you coming against the establishment and years of conditioning and indoctrination.
It's you coming against the system, the "man", the status quo, patriarchy, capitalism the whole shebang.
I had never thought of self-care as a radical act or movement towards social justice but, when we stop to think about it, it is.
As a teacher, I sacrificed myself continually to the system and I know so many teachers who lose themselves to it, lose their life and essence to a vision and a mission that isn't truly their own.
Maybe teaching is suffering now because the pandemic forced so many people to rethink not just how they were doing life but why they were doing it in that way in the first place.
Unfortunately, the fear of really choosing self is still prevalent and this tells me that the indoctrination, the conditioning, the fear of separating from the system runs deep.
But isn't this why true self-care is so important?
It is not a fair fight.
Even when everything within us screams that true self-care is our right, it is still bloody hard to enter the arena and stand up for ourselves against the Goliath on the other side.
It is hard to be true to our highest good and well-being in the face of a system that doesn't care and that only sees you as a dispensable resource in the building of its empire.
Because the truth is that we are fighting for our life, yes our survival but not in the sense of death and destruction but more in the sense of allowing ourselves to unashamedly exist in our fullness.
I can't help but think about the Apple TV show Foundation. Have you seen it?
It's about a tyrannical Galactic empire ruled by an Emperor who clones himself at three age points in his life. Generation after generation, these three versions maintain social order, eliminating anything that stands in their way including destroying faulty clones. (Image for special effect)
Anyway, back to self-care.
If you are anything like me you’ve rolled your eyes at this overused buzzword, much like gratitude used within the wellness space.
It’s fluffy, indulgent, and often conjures up images of more affluent white women using luxurious pampering products and going on nice-to-do spa retreats as a regular occurrence.
But the idea of self-care was popularised in the 60s by American women of colour such as Audre Lorde, Bell Hooks, and Gloria Anzuldúa. They wrote of self-care as a necessity and not a luxury, for women of colour to practice self-care and self-love to deal with the daily onslaught of racism, sexism, homophobia, and class oppression that they were daily exposed to.
Nowadays, I would say the need for radical self-care applies to anyone who is oppressed and suppressed by the system whilst acknowledging that in marginalised and disadvantaged groups even more so.
I can’t help but wonder who has benefitted from the watered-down and commercialised version of self-care.
It hasn’t been me or people like me.
As a woman, as a mum, and even more so as a black woman and mum I am very aware of the forces at work against me that would otherwise stifle and snuffle out my vitality and essence. I needed to hear the message that self-care isn't just a luxury reserved for people with means before I burnt out and it’s sad that I’ve only recently discovered it.
As a black female with parents who migrated from Africa, who grew up in a council estate with money spread too thin and plenty of experiences of adversity, I needed need this knowledge even more.
It is simply by hearing this, by knowing this I get my power and sovereignty back.
Like I said, the playing field isn't fair and what I mean by that, is my ability to truly connect with myself and permit myself to rise up and out towards my potential costs me so much more than a white counterpart.
I need to know that self-care isn't a nice to have but a must, a necessity which disintegrates the invisible shackles that bind.
"Radical self-care was and is an imperative practice to resist pressures to comply, conform, and above all, to remain true to our authentic selves. Radical self-care involves embracing practices that keep us physically and psychologically healthy and fit, making time to reflect on what matters to us, challenging ourselves to grow, and checking ourselves to ensure that what we are doing aligns with what matters to us. We consider this self-care “radical” because it fundamentally alters how we make choices about allocating time, money, and energy for ourselves personally, at home, and at work and seeks to revolutionize our workplace practices. Practiced faithfully, radical self-care involves owning and directing our lives and choosing with whom, how, and how often we engage in our nested, interconnected worlds so that we can be unapologetically ourselves in the face of unrelenting pressure and expectations to be otherwise." (Nicol & Yee, 2017, p. 134)
This is why self-care is a radical act of self-love and social justice.
No one is going to choose me, no one else is going to do the work for me. But when I do, when I see it as a powerful act of self-value and worth, I change the dialogue, I disrupt the status quo, I invite others to join me and we become a powerful collective force, a movement and wave to counteract the tide of self-sacrifice that maintains the system.
Phew.
I’m complete.
I’d love to hear from you. There are some reflection points below to consider, feel free to leave a comment with your thoughts in the comments section.
Until next month.
To your continued authentic expression.
Love,
Florence O. x
Reflection Prompts
What are your reflections on self-care as a necessity, a right and a decision to put yourself first against the backdrop of your experiences, visible and invisible attributes and conditioning?
How can what I’ve touched upon potentially shift and support your highest well-being, good and expression in work and life? How can this create change that works for you?
Good Reads
If you enjoyed this article, here is some extra food for thought that I have found helpful to chew on over the last month.
In other news…
I’ve started to “coach” again, it feels like this is something I want to do and offer right now. As I’ve grown in myself, I’ve become a lot more aware of what lights me up and how I want to support others.
My passion is supporting women who have experienced adversity and trauma, particularly in their childhood or early adulthood rise above the conditioning that stops them from fully and freely expressing their potential and creating a life that feels true to their soul.
To be clear, this isn’t deconstruction coaching or spiritual guidance. My coaching focuses on helping women live more fully in and from their innate potential through marrying the feminine (wisdom, intuition, trust and sacredness of Life) with the masculine (movement towards our goals and vision and taking action borne from soul alignment and authenticity).
I’ve started working with my quota of two clients whom I see fortnightly (radical self-care don’t you know) but have a list for those who are interested in learning more or finding out about having my free coaching trial (limited spaces).
If this feels like something that you would like to explore with me then reach out to via email using the button below.
This was such a powerful meditation on self-care and all that threatens to constrict our capacity. It takes time and energy to fully engage in a caring way of being, I think it's so important to remind ourselves of that. Thanks so much Florence ❤️